Be Reasonable: 3 tips to Ensure You are Being Reasonable

Are people generally fair and reasonable?  

If you go with your gut on this one, you will more than likely say yes. I would whole heartily agree with you. People naturally have a sense of fairness. If we agree on this point then why do so many of us respond to our employees as though they will not be reasonable?  I want to acknowledge right up front that there are indeed exceptions to this rule, but if one out of ten people are not reasonable why do we treat all ten as though they were not? It kind of sounds like throwing the baby out with the bathwater.  In my experience one of the surest ways to get in a fight is to start throwing punches. Think about it a minute. If you approach people in a way that says I don't trust you, that you don’t think they will be fair and reasonable with you, they naturally respond in like kind-they won't trust you either. And who could blame them. You started it! Now on the other hand, if your starting position was that they were bright, intelligent, fair, and reasonable people, how do you think most of them would respond?  Absolutely, in like kind.  And maybe even the unreasonable people would respond favorably. Again in my experience, most people who are difficult to get along with are that way because they are hurting inside themselves. If anything's going to reach them, it will probably be a little unmerited respect. To reframe this another way, people who don't respect themselves have real difficulty respecting others. At the end of the day isn't that what most of us really want is to be respected by both ourselves and others.

Okay back to reasonableness.  At this point you would like to totally buy-in to the discussion about reasonableness but you're still not sure you can trust people at that level. Let me give you some practical tips on how to make the reasonable nature of people work for you instead of against you.

Tip #1. Ask the person you're dealing with what they think would be reasonable?  

Many of the business owners and leaders I work with think this is a high risk question. It's not. People consistently ask more of themselves and are willing to do more than you would ever dare to ask of them yourself if they are the one’s doing the asking.  It's back to that self-respect thing. If it is a controversial pushing and shoving match, each party is going to try to take all they can get.  In that approach you both end up with a whole lot less than you could have had if you openly worked together.

Tip #2. Bring others into the conversation. 

Something as simple as let's get Bob's, or the rest of the team’s, opinion usually ups the ante on your willingness to be flexible and helps minimize personal factors that may play into the conversation.  It's one thing if a single individual in your organization feels like you're not being reasonable, it's a much bigger deal if everyone feels like you're being unreasonable. This is one of those things that is much better out in the open that it is hidden in the back room. As a leader you need to know if your people think you are fair and reasonable. You might be asking yourself can I really trust the crowd about what is fair and reasonable. We do it every day in our legal system. Twelve people literally decide issues of life and death in the form of a jury.  In my experience, if your people, by and large, think you are unreasonable and you probably are.

Tip #3. Don’t be quick to act.  

Quality relationships take time and effort. If someone feels like you're genuinely being unreasonable with them or vise-a-versa, I would encourage you to give the situation some time and space. It's easy to make a rash decision in the heat of the moment. When it comes to relationships things are rarely ever black and white. Take the pressure off all the parties and sleep on it for a night or two. I can't tell you how many times that space and room has allowed me and others to work things out for each other's benefit.  And don’t be surprised if you are implementing these tips and you are truly being reasonable, your employee or subordinate returns to you and says that they do indeed think you are being fair and reasonable. 

I have to wonder if the most important issue around reasonableness for an organizational leader is whether or not we are willing to be reasonable with our people.  The world we see is simply a reflection or mirror of the world that exists inside of us. What does it say about us if we don't think our employees are reasonable?  At the end of the day, the only leader who needs to be afraid of shared reasonableness is the leader who is not themselves willing to be reasonable.

Profiles in Passion: Developing Future Leaders

You need a certain quality to be a leader, whether its in your industry, community or even in your own household.  Important leadership qualities incude understanding diversity, creating strong relationships in the community and reflecting your core values, but have you ever taken the time to consider where you gained that knowledge? Was it through trial and error? Did you learn from your parents? Did you have a teacher who influenced you?

At Missouri State University, students have the opportunity to gain real-world leadership experience through several campus-wide programs. “I take students who are good already and want to get great; who want to get better at leadership in general,” said Marissa Weaver, Associate Director of Student Engagement, who coordinates the leadership programs at MSU.

After getting her masters in education with a focus on student development, Marissa moved to Springfield from St. Louis to take a position as the Assistant Director of Student Activities for Greek Life. Through that position she began working with leadership student training, facilitating and speaking at national conferences and institutes. “I enjoyed working with the students and watching them grow. I especially enjoyed the leadership aspect, but not the disciplining,” said Marissa of her first position at MSU.

Universities were trending towards having leadership training opportunities, but MSU didn’t offer such a program. Marissa had planned on living in Springfield for just a few years and then moving on, but other universities that offered leadership programs didn’t interest her. Besides, she had learned to love what Springfield had to offer. “There were lots of great things going on here five years ago. I had to step back and look at the opportunity I had in Springfield,” she remembers. “I had fallen in love with Springfield, and all of the sudden I realized I didn’t want to leave.”

As with everything else in her life, Marissa embraced her strength of creating a solution to problems and developed a position for leadership training at the university. “I looked at what we should be doing and created a position from that need,” she noted. “I tend to fill needs as they come, and MSU had that need. They didn’t offer a program like this.”

MSU now has four leadership programs for students which include the nine year old Commerce Bank Emerging Leadership Program. Three of its newer programs were developed through Marissa’s guidance: the Hutchens SGA Leadership Scholarship, Network mentoring program, and Distinction in Public Affairs. Each program offers unique student benefit opportunities.

The Network program couples students with young professionals for a fresh perspective on entering the workforce as a new graduate; Leadership Scholarship is a two year program that helps educate the community; Emerging Leaders is a shorter, five week program for freshmen and sophomores and is offered twice annually; and Distinction in Public Affairs clarifies the mission of public affairs and creates awareness and understanding through real-world participation.

Marissa has a natural desire for advancement and is currently working towards her doctorate in educational leadership. “I’ve always been one of those people who has too many ideas of what I want to do, so just ask myself, ‘what’s next?’ I don’t strive for one particular position. That’s too limiting,” she explains. “As I educate myself, more opportunities will come my way. I trust the process and know I’ll be prepared when the opportunity shows itself.”

Marissa makes herself a role model, practicing the leadership opportunities she shares with her students. She is involved with the community through a variety of volunteer efforts including Big Brothers Big Sisters, fundraising for St. Jude’s, involvement in The Network, and serves on the board of Leadership Springfield.

She strives to enable others to reach their goals by connecting aspiring leaders and professionals with resources, people and opportunities. Educating future leaders on the three pillars of public affairs (cultural competence, community engagement and ethical leadership) is a part of her personal goal.  “Ethical leadership is pivotal in society, no matter what job or profession you are in, even if you’re a stay-at-home mom or dad,” explains Marissa. “All leadership education is valuable and transferable to any industry or profession.”